I Don’t Know

I-Don’t-Know.

Three words I absolutely hate to say and definitely never like to hear. But I uttered those words last night. I actually said them a few weeks ago and both times I couldn’t believe I actually said them out loud. I don’t ever claim to know it ALL but what I do believe in is finding out. If ever someone asked me a question related to work and I didn’t have an answer, it was never just “I don’t know.” It would be either “I’m not certain that I have all the information so let me review and get to back to you close of business” … or “Give me a moment and I’ll find out.” Both insinuate that I don’t have the answer but it’s never a blanket statement of “I don’t know.”

The biggest no-no for me is to always, and I mean always have a plan and what bigger plan can you have than the one you have for your life. I mean it’s your life! If you don’t know then who else is going to be able to tell you?? That has been my thinking forever and in many ways it still is so when I said “I Don’t Know” when asked about my life plans last night I felt like a complete loser. But I had to be honest and I truly had and still have no idea what’s next. Scariest feeling ever for someone who has always known her next move. I had to slow my mind down enough to get back on course and I can say now that I have a new and refreshed understanding of what all this planning is about.

Matthew 6:33 “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”

Glad to know I'm not the only one!

Glad to know I’m not the only one!

Here’s what I’m learning about myself. I’m not a fan of process. I get a vision, I hear one set of instructions, and I’m off to the races trying to make it happen in my own might. I never really thought I was doing that. I thought I was doing what faith tells us to do… MOVE! ACT! No time to be sitting around, you heard from God so let’s go! What I’ve been doing is making my own process of how to get to the expected end, of course it’s more like a shortcut, and praying that God is on board for how I’m doing it. I mean let’s face it, time is ticking. Didn’t even realize that I wasn’t waiting on God to disclose the actual plan of how to get to the expected end. Man, that realization sucked. And it sucked for many reasons.

For one, I’m thinking how long it’s going to take to regroup and get on the track he has planned for me! How much energy have I wasted trying to make it happen MY way? And thinking how much it sucks to have your expectations come to a complete halt because every avenue you’ve tried has led to more and more waiting. Well, in the midst of the frustration I had to accept the fact that it’s okay to not know exactly how you’re going to make it to where you know God has called you to be. Even typing this, makes me uneasy but it’s a reality I have to come to accept. I’m not always going to know how things are going to happen and in what amount of time they will happen. I can plan all I want and I’ll still be sitting in the dark until God reveals to me the process. He may be feeding me with a teaspoon while I’m trying to snatch the bottle and chug it!

This year has been a bit disappointing to say the least. I heard God speak things to me that had me wanting to make them happen NOW. I’m tired of being stagnant and feeling like I’m wasting time!Every opposition I faced I blamed it on the enemy and though I believe that some of it was indeed that, I have peace with understanding that some of it had to do with my own angst. I wasn’t listening. It’s like finding out your next destination and not sticking around for directions and the road map. This faith thing is tricky. We inject ourselves so much when God just wants us to simply follow His instructions no matter how out of the way it seems.

So I’m sitting here with a halfway empty house (literally) waiting to figure out the plans He has for me to get out of my situation and onto my next dimension of living. I already see connections being made and even though it seems so far from where I think I need to be, I’m going to do better at listening and embracing the new meaning of “I-Don’t-Know” for my life. As long as I know the “why,” I’ll get comfortable in letting God handle the “how.”

drivingI hope this encourages others like me who like to drive from the passenger seat. We feel like we’re going the long way and we’re riding 20 mph under the speed limit! You want so bad to say “It would be a lot quicker if we went this way!!!” Whether you feel like your riding in the slow lane or you feel like life is out of control and no one has the wheel… trust me God’s got you! Stop fighting for the wheel and let Him drive, stay alert, and enjoy the scenery. WE can do this!

The promises of God are unshakable but the process can feel shaky at times. Focus on the promises He’s given you for your life and not the process.

Happy Tuesday!

Love, Bianca

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7 thoughts on “I Don’t Know

  1. Wow! Thanks, Sis. Even if it doesn’t feel good, it’s bearable when you’re not alone. I’ve been sitting in the “I Don’t Know” lane for quite a while. Taking in the lessons on this scenic route. Whew! God Bless You!

    • Trust that understand all too well! You’re not alone. Keep letting God lead sis! You’ll make it and we’ll both have an awesome testimony to show for it! Thanks for reading and supporting as always! God Bless You!

  2. Great reflection Bianca! I’m learning to embrace my process. When I heard my Co-Pastor testify about praying 17 years for her dad to be saved I started to realize that not only is there a process to things, some things just take time, but you have to keep praying knowing it will come to pass. I can’t imagine praying and waiting for anything for 17 years! But if it’s not God’s time, it’s not God’s time! I’m learning you have to celebrate the steps along the way which can make enduring the process not seem so bad.

  3. Bianca, I HEAR YOU. I’ve been there and sometimes I find myself revisiting, lol. It’s a harsh reality but when we are awakened to it, so much good can from it. It stings like you’ve described but what we’ll find more and more each day is that not knowing really is a beautiful place to be. God simply wants to be God in our lives and we’re no good when we take away that opportunity from Him. Its great when we realize that. Then our prayers will change to “Lord, do You today” ☺ Thank you so much for your transparency Bianca. Its always refreshing to see posts like this. As Christians we need to be real, stay real, and not be ashamed. So I thank you for your realness. Reflections are one of life’s greatest treasures not to mention a link to our continued growth and development. You’re level of self-awareness is admirable and very encouraging!

    I’m not a fan of process either, lol. But the older I get the more I see how necessary it is. Without process there can be no progress. I think one of the hardest things for me to learn and I’m still learning is how to be still and wait on the Lord. It’s hard!!!! And God really gives you no choice sometimes! Well sometimes you do have a choice, but then you’ll soon find out that when you step out ahead of God you can end up right back at square one because God wants to do things His way, not our’s. As you put it, “…expectations come to a complete halt because every avenue you’ve tried has led to more and more waiting”. Tough lessons for real! But be strong my sister. You may feel like this year has been disappointing but what you just experienced was a major breakthrough that will help your walk with God not just for the rest of this year, but the rest of your life here on earth. We’re going to be learning and growing forever you know. So its all good ☺ If it makes you feel better I’m sitting here too in a halfway filled house waiting on the Lord’s will for my life and pressing toward the next dimension in Him too. These last few years have been an amazing ride full of twists and turns but God has been with me and its been blessed. I won’t give up and will continue to wait on His precious promises. And I know you’ll you do the same 🙂 “Stop fighting for the wheel and let Him drive, stay alert, and enjoy the scenery.” AMEN!! Yup, we can do this ☺

    • THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! I really enjoyed reading your response and I get that you feel where I’m coming from! It is a beautiful thing, we just have to let go and enjoy the view! Your continued support has been so appreciated! Be blessed and continue enjoying your process!! We got this!

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