I Don’t Know

I-Don’t-Know.

Three words I absolutely hate to say and definitely never like to hear. But I uttered those words last night. I actually said them a few weeks ago and both times I couldn’t believe I actually said them out loud. I don’t ever claim to know it ALL but what I do believe in is finding out. If ever someone asked me a question related to work and I didn’t have an answer, it was never just “I don’t know.” It would be either “I’m not certain that I have all the information so let me review and get to back to you close of business” … or “Give me a moment and I’ll find out.” Both insinuate that I don’t have the answer but it’s never a blanket statement of “I don’t know.”

The biggest no-no for me is to always, and I mean always have a plan and what bigger plan can you have than the one you have for your life. I mean it’s your life! If you don’t know then who else is going to be able to tell you?? That has been my thinking forever and in many ways it still is so when I said “I Don’t Know” when asked about my life plans last night I felt like a complete loser. But I had to be honest and I truly had and still have no idea what’s next. Scariest feeling ever for someone who has always known her next move. I had to slow my mind down enough to get back on course and I can say now that I have a new and refreshed understanding of what all this planning is about.

Matthew 6:33 “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”

Here’s what I’m learning about myself. I’m not a fan of process. I get a vision, I hear one set of instructions, and I’m off to the races trying to make it happen in my own might. I never really thought I was doing that. I thought I was doing what faith tells us to do… MOVE! ACT! No time to be sitting around, you heard from God so let’s go! What I’ve been doing is making my own process of how to get to the expected end, of course it’s more like a shortcut, and praying that God is on board for how I’m doing it. I mean let’s face it, time is ticking. Didn’t even realize that I wasn’t waiting on God to disclose the actual plan of how to get to the expected end. Man, that realization sucked. And it sucked for many reasons.

For one, I’m thinking how long it’s going to take to regroup and get on the track he has planned for me! How much energy have I wasted trying to make it happen MY way? And thinking how much it sucks to have your expectations come to a complete halt because every avenue you’ve tried has led to more and more waiting. Well, in the midst of the frustration I had to accept the fact that it’s okay to not know exactly how you’re going to make it to where you know God has called you to be. Even typing this, makes me uneasy but it’s a reality I have to come to accept. I’m not always going to know how things are going to happen and in what amount of time they will happen. I can plan all I want and I’ll still be sitting in the dark until God reveals to me the process. He may be feeding me with a teaspoon while I’m trying to snatch the bottle and chug it!

This year has been a bit disappointing to say the least. I heard God speak things to me that had me wanting to make them happen NOW. I’m tired of being stagnant and feeling like I’m wasting time! Every opposition I faced I blamed it on the enemy and though I believe that some of it was indeed that, I have peace with understanding that some of it had to do with my own angst. I wasn’t listening. It’s like finding out your next destination and not sticking around for directions and the road map. This faith thing is tricky. We inject ourselves so much when God just wants us to simply follow His instructions no matter how out of the way it seems.

So I’m sitting here with a halfway empty house (literally) waiting to figure out the plans He has for me to get out of my situation and onto my next dimension of living. I already see connections being made and even though it seems so far from where I think I need to be, I’m going to do better at listening and embracing the new meaning of “I-Don’t-Know” for my life. As long as I know the “why,” I’ll get comfortable in letting God handle the “how.”

I hope this encourages others like me who like to drive from the passenger seat. We feel like we’re going the long way and we’re riding 20 mph under the speed limit! You want so bad to say “It would be a lot quicker if we went this way!!!” Whether you feel like your riding in the slow lane or you feel like life is out of control and no one has the wheel… trust me God’s got you! Stop fighting for the wheel and let Him drive, stay alert, and enjoy the scenery. WE can do this!

The promises of God are unshakable but the process can feel shaky at times. Focus on the promises He’s given you for your life and not the process.

Happy Tuesday!

Love, Bianca